Sometimes I get frustrated...

And I wonder "Am I doing enough?" Even as God is leading me in fasting/praying, am I praying enough throughout the day? Have I read enough of the Word today? It feels overwhelming, fearful sometimes, the constant warfare. Gotta always read, gotta always pray. How could I say this, right? After having written several awesome Holy Ghost-filled posts on fasting and prayer? I know what Galatians 6:9 says "Be not weary in well-doing, for in due season we shall reap if we faint not." But sometimes, I wonder...

Changes that fasting and prayer brought: From last year to this year

These are two of the most dreaded words in the Christian circles (next to obedience, submission, sacrifice and giving). This is just my opinion anyway, though I'm sure I'm not too far off from the truth.

Prayer is one thing, but fasting???? Oh boy. Not that. Anything but that. Fasting means going without [insert thing here] for a period of time to draw closer to the Lord, to receive an answer. And who really wants to give up [name of thing you inserted] to get closer to God. Hey, I'm already close to God! I'm saved, God! What more do you need???

That was me to a T. Last year, God was calling me to a time of intense fasting and prayer.  How intense, you ask? Not just a 24-hr fast, or skip-one-meal fast, but a liquid fast! One day, without warning, my appetite just fled like a horse spooked by something in the night shadows. I mean, poof. GONE. I was so confused, fearful...ANGRY. Why God? I don't have an issue with eating, why in the ham sandwich would you cause me to lose my appetite? I had fasted in previous years, but I was in severe bondage to fasting at the time. I had never experienced this before, but somehow I knew that God was trying to get my attention. He wanted me to draw close to Him in worship and prayer, but I was having none of that. He had been trying to get my attention in previous years, but again, I won't having it. Now, you may look in disbelief at what I've written and conclude that I am as bonkers as they come; legalistic, overzealous, too on fire for God. There's absolutely no way God caused your appetite to go away. I understand your thought process, trust me. But after many many times of God trying to call me to Himself, I have found out some things about God that I could not know unless I submitted to Him. He works with us in different ways. Just because I don't understand how God uses you doesn't mean that you're not hearing from God, it just means that he's working in you in a way that He chooses not to work with me.

And that's ok!

So...this went on about three months. Yall, I had gotten SO skinny...I'm not that big anyway, but I was smawl. I finally went home and confessed to my mom that I wasn't eating, and of course she fussed as moms do. I didn't tell the real truth about how God was trying to deal with me, and I was running from Him, and fasting was the way I needed to submit myself. Of course no one would believe that. After all, God can deal with you in plenty of other ways other than through extensive fasting, right?

Of course He can. But God know our individual needs, and what circumstances we need to endure so that we are made more like His Son Jesus. So, I needed to submit and come crawling to God in prayer, not eating, only focusing on Him. But I ran. I resisted. I fussed (and yes, I did cuss. I have since repented to God). I would sit there and eat and eat and eat, and I wouldn't be hungry; I just wanted my appetite back. My heart would be wrenched in two because my spirit longed to be obedient to what God was calling to, I longed to fall on my face in worship, to steal away and have sweet communion with the Holy Ghost, but because of spiritual immaturity, I did what my flesh wanted. I was spiteful towards God. I stayed angry at Him for making me endure the season that I wasn't even being obedient in. God was even calling me to fast at work. "How in the world did you barely eat at work, Janelle!?!?! My Lord!" I know. God gave was giving me supernatural strength to endure the season, but I wanted no parts of it. I didn't want God to give me grace/strength to endure my trial, I wanted to be done with it and for God to leave me alone!

Fast forward to this year: Back in July, God was dealing with my about fasting during a family trip. Uhh....God? I hate to break it to Ya, but I'm on a family trip here. I ain't fasting! Family trips are for fellowship, fun, FOOD! The more time you spend with God, the more sensitive you get to His voice, and you know when it's time to shift. I had no appetite whatsoever, and *TMI alert* I was on my monthly cycle! Hullo! Who fasts during THAT time of the month? No way! But that's what I was called to. I didn't obey yet again... but don't you know the faithfulness of our God is REAL? He will bring a trial back to you so you can hopefully pass it next time.

Fast forward to November of this year. Again, I was planning to go on a family trip the week before Thanksgiving, and I felt the call to fast. Uh oh. I thought I'd be able to fast the few days before my trip and be free to eat while on the trip. Not so. God spoke to my heart to fast the entire trip (three days). GULP. Wow. And...*TMI alert* my cycle was due to come on during that time. Coincidence? I think not. God is specific and strategic, He will give us what we can handle through Him, nothing more, nothing less.

So, yall...I submitted this time. Praise God, I said "yes" to Christ and He filled me in a way that I could've never been filled. He broke addictions, unleashed me from things that I'd been trying to get rid of for years. I had to tell my family that I was fasting during the trip...that was hard, but I knew I had to do it BEFORE the trip. . I needed to break free from the opinions of others, and that was certainly a way to do it. It wasn't that I had an issue with overeating, per se, but would I trust God to temporarily strengthen me with HIS strength while He dealt with me? Would I humble myself in that season so I could come out like pure gold? (1 Peter 1:7)

Fasting is an ongoing thing for the believer (or should be). Not fasting everyday necessarily, but if God is calling us to it in a particular season of our lives, we oughta be able to hear His voice and do what He says. We like to think we aren't like the Israelites who wandered in the desert for 40 years, but we're no different than them. And once we submit, we can go on to the next trial. Praise God for enduring trials! I couldn't say that before, I wouldn't say that before. Now I know better.

It's still tough to hear God calling me to fast, but I'm a lil better than I was earlier this year, Do whatever He's called you to do, whether it be a 24-hr fast, partial day fast, week fast, skip-a-meal, Daniel fast, no social media, etc. He wants to get you back to prayer, to sweet fellowship...

Thankfully,
Janelle

Nothing ventured, nothing gained...

I am doing my best to live out this quote. Just as I live by God's word, I want to live by this quote supposedly coined by Ben Franklin. If I don't make any waves, if I don't speak up, if I don't ask questions, ask for a discount, a favor, etc...what have I gained?

Case in point: I was at Dick's Sporting Goods last night and I saw a two-pair pack of Reebok socks for $4.99. Upon closer inspection I saw that there were supposed to be three pair of socks in that pack, but because of the one pair missing, Dick's had lowered the price to $4.99 (I have no idea how much they cost full price). I wasn't willing to pay $4.99 for two pair of socks EVEN though they were marked down to that price because of the one missing pair. So I decided when I got to the checkout counter that I would ask the cashier if he'd take off a dollar on that price. [insert extreme heart pounding and palm sweating--not really ;-)]. I did, and he asked his manager, and of course the manager said that the price was already reduced, but me being a little more bold, asked if he would still reduce the price, regardless of the markdown. And you know what? He did, and took off a lil bit more! Instead of the two pair of socks being $4.99, they ended up being $3.39 plus tax (which came up to $3.53!) WOW. Now, I know some folk reading this post might think it's not that serious, or that I should've just been glad the socks were marked down already, but I know where God has brought me from. This was such a huge milestone for me. There was a time that I was TERRIFIED of venturing out of my comfort zone. Ask for a discount? The cashier might say no. Ask the doctor to wash his hands before touching me??? No way. Ask the waiter to re-do my order because the food isn't up to my standards? Nahhhh...it's ok.

And you know what? I'm gonna keep on asking/venturing, because I don't know what I'll gain when I do. I may not get a discount next time, but I may get more confidence to ask questions, to share my opinion without fear. I may get better at accepting a "no," I may learn to handle conflict better...which is something I could definitely stand to get better in. There are always hills to climb, mountains to conquer, valleys to go down in. I may not get it right all the time; I know I won't. But if I don't ever take that leap, I'll live life forever drowning in a sea of "shoulda coulda wouldas." I've done enough of that. Time to venture out...

Always,
Janelle

On becoming assertive (Or learning to set boundaries) Pt. 2

It's hard writing this post. I am coming through on the other side of this tough season, but it's still hard to write about this. Part of me used to be ashamed that I was struggling with being assertive, but I realize that there are several Christians that are suffering in this state, and don't want to make a move.

It was tough at home dealing with being afraid of family members (God is bringing me and a sibling back together after a long, horrible period of me hating them for no reason). It was just as tough at work. I would know a co-worker was doing something that bothered me and I would not let them know how I felt. If I did, it was in a roundabout, timid sort of manner, not one to be take seriously. I knew I had a straight-up, direct, fun-to-be-around personality behind the timidity, but it was not coming out on a consistent basis.

People don't trust a non-assertive person. They trust someone whose confidence is on 100, who isn't afraid to be themselves. I knew my co-workers and family were waiting...waiting for me to be my true self, waiting for me to take my spot as the strong person God meant for me to be, so they would no longer have to take up my role--not that they were trying to be the big sister, not at all; they couldn't be. But they were rising to the occasion (aka being themselves) whereas I was hiding in the shadows of comfort and ease. Without realizing it, we human beings are constantly shifting power roles in whatever relationships we're in. When I was not being my big sister self, it caused my other tough siblings to come in and fill the roles I was not fulfilling. I was angry at them, but I really couldn't be. Someone had to do it.

And guess what? I'm still not all the way "delivered." It's a day-by-day, moment-by-moment process. When I win one battle, another is waiting for me. But I thank the Lord I am much further along than I was a month ago, six months ago, eight years ago.

I realize the fear was always there. It just needed fertilizer to grow, it needed situations in which I was was unsure of myself, it needed me NOT knowing what to do in confrontations, fear needed me to NOT realize that Christ was the answer, so it could fester and grow into an ugly monster that ruined my life and caused many relationships to suffer.

I'm finding out this: When you're 100% real with folk, they end up respecting you for it. They may not like you or what you have to say, but they respect your stance. And that's what you want. To have folks' respect. But. EVEN if they don't respect you, know that whatever you do, you better do it to have GOD'S approval. Paul said it best:

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. (Galatians 1:10 ESV)

*I am standing in agreement with those struggling in this area. It took years of asking the Lord, walking in complete disobedience then walking in complete submission to God through prayer and fasting for the Lord to work on my behalf.

Praying always,

Janelle

On Becoming Assertive (Or learning to set boundaries) Pt. 1

Being assertive.

Speaking your mind.

Standing up for yourself.

Keeping it real.

Confronting an issue.

Setting boundaries.

All words/phrases that make fearful people cringe, cause their stomachs churn, and break them out in a cold sweat.

At one time/several times (in the not-so-distant past), these same words/phrases caused me much alarm, frustration and fear. I didn't want to gather the courage (read: balls) I needed to be myself, to let people know that "I was NOT the one..." Other people in my life could do it. Heck, my siblings were better at asserting themselves than I was, and I am the oldest out of them all. Many times they asserted themselves towards me and I did not have a comeback. I didn't know HOW to come back, to set them straight when I felt they were out of line in something they said, or in the way they said it. So you can imagine the frustration and pent-up anger that was roiling inside me. I was passive with family, co-workers, and strangers. And you know as long as you act passive/weak, people will take advantage of you, whether they're trying to be mean or not. I wouldn't speak up when someone made a comment that hurt me. I'd let it fester...mind you, I was a Christian (saved, born-again) all this time. I KNEW God created me to be a bold soul, I knew He created me to speak my mind, to be a mouthpiece against evil. I had wonderful people in my life that told me the hard truth about my need to stand up for myself. I knew they were right. KNEW it. I was just terrified of doing what I knew needed to be done. I had boundaries (in my head), but I was afraid to voice my irritations when people violated my boundaries. They didn't know what my boundaries were, because I didn't make them clear. So, for years, I allowed myself to be walked on, to be a doormat. I had periods where I'd be tough/outspoken for a little while, but afterwhile I'd go back to being my old self.

I was miserable. Absolutely miserable. And bitter and hateful and scared and PROUD (not in a good way). I was trying to be an adult, but there were some situations in which I felt family members were trying to boss me around, telling me what I needed to do, how I needed to feel...I was afraid to let them know that I didn't need their opinions, only their prayers.

That was tough. I questioned myself on many occasions...were my feelings and opinions valid? Was I making too big of a deal about something? Yeah, that's what it was. I was just making a big deal of it. Yep. (That's what I told myself, knowing the whole time my throat was tight with unspoken words, nerves were frayed, my head was pounding from a stress headache).

Life lesson: You can continue to sweep issue after issue under the rug, but you can't ignore the big lump under the rug after a while.

To be continued...

Why is your blog named "Simply A Vessel"?

Good question.

Well, a few years ago, God was trying to take me into an intense, I mean INTENSE period of spiritual growth. I was resistant, however, that's why I said God was TRYING to take me through. During that time, God had me holding up signs at the intersections of the main thoroughfares where I was living at the time. YES, I was standing on the sidewalks holding up signs that read "God Loves You!" So, thousands of people had their eyes on me while they were driving to and fro, looking at me holding up a Jesus sign on the sidewalk. Yes, I hated it (more about that in another post). And I believe it was during that time that God began to show me that I was simply...a vessel. Nothing more, nothing less. A vessel to be used by Him.

Now, that's not to say that I am a nobody. I am not badmouthing myself, and putting myself down.

No.

Hear what I am saying: We as believers are the clay, Christ is the potter.

Isaiah 64:8 (ESV) But now, O LORD, you are our Father; we are the clay and you are our Potter; we are ALL the work of your hand. 

Yes, we are friends of God, children of God, the bride of Christ, etc. but WE are HIS WORKMANSHIP, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. (Ephesians 2:10 ESV). 

Workmanship is something CREATED, it doesn't get to make any decisions!

There are several scriptures that talk about the role of the potter and the role of the clay, and I will put them at the end of this post. Think about it in natural terms. A lump of clay does NOT tell the potter "Make me like this or that," or "I don't want to be used for this or that." 

Nope. The lump of clay is silent, pliable, flexible, malleable in the hands of the One in charge of it. The potter knows exactly how that lump of clay is supposed to turn out. He knows exactly what the end result should be.

Ouch.

That's tough to swallow, ain't it? It was tough for me back then, and it still is today. Thankfully, I've grown a lot more, and I know that I am learning to be more obedient than I was those four years ago. 

But you say "Well, Janelle, a lump of clay CAN'T talk back, so it makes sense that it doesn't ask the potter any questions! A lump of clay can't reason, can't think! (DUH!)" But according to the Word, we ought to be just like that lump of clay. Trusting. Just like Isaac did when his father was about to kill him in obedience to God. Just like Jesus was in the hands of his accusers. Silent. Trusting.

Back in September, I called myself trying to get myself "out there" and get on all the poppin' social media networks (I am not on social media anymore, don't want to be--that's another post too). I was trying to come up with a cool Twitter/IG handle, something not so "holy." I was gonna have a presence everywhere, and I was not gonna use no daggone "simplyavessel."

Heh.

Yeah...I was so convicted about it all, that I simply kept what God had given me. I HAD to. I oughta want people to know I'm holy, that I am a vessel, that there's nothing wrong with being young (read: nearly 30) and SAVED! God gave me a song and everything, while I was out there with my sign, tears streaming down my face, mad at God. The song is entitled...(take a guess).

Right. "Simply A Vessel" One day I'll post a vid of me singing it once I get it copyrighted, or whatever it is that you do to make sure no one else steals your original work. It's such a simple song, but the words are powerful.

So yeah, that's the long version of why my blog is named "Simply A Vessel."

With love,

Janelle

P.S.

Scriptures about clay/potter (all these scriptures are in English Standard Version)

2 Timothy 2:2-21

Jeremiah 18:1-4

Romans 9:21

Isaiah 64:8

Isaiah 45:9

Welcome to my blog!

Hey there!

I am so excited that you are joining me on my writing journey. I express my thoughts through written and audio/video posts, always keeping it real and HOLY at the same time, of course. I love expressing myself; it's what God created me to do. I do what I do so that someone can draw closer to the Lord, because HE is all that matters.

Feel free to comment on a post, or shoot me an email at simplyavessel1@gmail.com

Love you all,

Janelle